Ah, yes. The age-old question asked by many a man. For example, I believe someone on the set of "Tootsie" asked this about Dustin Hoffman; the creepy bus driver in "Mrs. Doubtfire" asked this about Robin Williams; and who could forget the 1782 edition of "Poor Richard's Almanac," devoted entirely to Benjamin Franklin's unrequited love of John Adams. I, however, am referring to this woman:
The Food Network has her, but I want her. Giada De Laurentiis (who was, if I remember my "Inferno" correctly, located in the 5th circle of Hell) is so gorgeous, but is she a midget? You'll note that this is the most un-PC thing I've posted yet, but I need to know. I think it's just the camera angles...she's probably like 5 foot nothing and thinks that mounting a camera on the overhead light of the kitchen is a good idea.
Besides, if she were really a midget, she'd be making pies out of children. It's no coincidence that "midget" is "witch" spelled backwards.
Assume that there is further information here about music, which may or may not be edited in later. Seriously, I need to start posting songs on here.
As I've been waiting for the various muses to bestowe upon me actual working knowledge of the internet that would allow for this music blog to include, you know, music, I've been lamenting two things about leaving the radio station: not being able to review music for any real purpose, and not getting any music to review. Luckily, FirstListen.org exists to fill that void. Here's how it works: artists large (the Raconteurs, Josh Ritter, Ray Lamontagne) and small (no pun intended to the very talented Carsie Blanton) submit their upcoming or recently released releases ("Sting, Stang, Stung") to the service, which in turn provides said releases to its members for review. Too dry and clinical? Try this description: you get lots of free music, the only catch being that you have to fill out a short survey about each record you get. The artists see these reviews and can tailor their releases accordingly (or panic in the event that the album is already out and beyond all help). From their website:
FirstListen.org does grassroots distribution/promotions for up and coming musicians (or established ones who would like to receive exposure). We're interested in listeners who have a geniune interest in music. We provide you with free music in hopes of you providing us with feedback about the music. The only thing you're required to do at this time is to provide us with feedback on the free music you are receiving through a short (NOT long) online survey that you'll be asked to complete after a mailing goes out. It's very simplistic and self-explanatory. Advanced technological/web skills need not apply. The artists, record labels, or management personnel who are involved rely on feedback and this is the best way for them to aquire it.
I'm sure there are plenty of people with awful taste in music who have signed up for the service just for the perks. So I'm trusting you, loyal reader(s), to get involved for the sake of the artists who require good and careful input. Plus, you get free music...this is called circular logic or, in some cultures, a one-track mind...Meanwhile, the Copyright Royalty Board is planning on increasing royalty rates on internet music streams to the tune of "online music streams will go out of business." Unfortunately, it's another symptom of a flagging record industry trying to save itself and failing to keep up and/or play nice with the new-fangled Interweb. Visit Savethestreams.org to see what you can do to help.And for all of you synthesizer fans out there, observe the genius that is "Dr. Synthesizer Volume 2: I Will Teach You Again" (a.k.a. Drew of marriedtothesea and Toothpaste for Dinner):
To prove my claim that I have no especially malicious feelings toward Rolling Stone (although I'll freely admit that I despise their new "blog" format), here's a story I picked up from them the other day (the original link is here). It seems that Pope Creepy IV -- seriously, this man should potato-sack race Strom Thurmond for Fox's new hit show, "Who Wants to Be the Crypt Keeper?" -- is out to get Bob Dylan. Sort of. The real story is that he wants a return to Latin services and Gregorian chants (the Medieval and anachronistic answer to Phil Spector's Wall of Sound). Some decades back, the Church backed off from strict Latin readings and allowed for local languages to be used in worship; this happened to coincide with the U.S. Civil Rights movement, and apparently Dylan standards such as "Blowin' in the Wind" and Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" have become church standards since. The current Pope is expressing his disaproval of the previous Pope's appearance at a Dylan performance, refering to Dylan as "the wrong kind of prophet." Apparently songs about pacifism and compassion such as the above do not accurately reflect Christian belief in pacifism and compassion. In all fairness, the Rolling Stone blurb is a bit of a musical elitist interpretation of the source article, which is really about the Pope's belief that " the Church should not jettison the rich heritage of sacred music it has created in 2000 years of history." Still, it's inspiring to see the Catholic Church once again dealing with pressing issues such as AIDS. Oh wait; that's the opposite of what's happening here.Personally, I think he's just mad about the whole Jewish-Christian-back to Jewish journey of one Robert Zimmerman. Perhaps he would do well to remember the Church's rich heritage of alienating its followers? "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am, I am..."In related near-kudos for Rolling Stone.com, check out the "Rolling Stone Rules for the Fair Use of Important Band Names." Again, oversteps the "snob vs. funny premise" line, unlike Paste's "Greatest Dead Songwriters" feature.
Among the great internal debates that blogging has produced in me (and we'll pretend that these are the reasons why I can't update regularly), deciding how self-indulgently nerdy I want to be is chief among them. That being said, I'm leading off this post with the following clip of Steven Colbert receiving the recently deceased Captain America's shield.Charming, but more importantly, further blurring the line between fact and the "truthiness" of Captain America's existence. We all know about my obsessive love affair with Paste magazine (the thinking man's...magazine). It's an absolute essential for people of the XPN persuasion interested in broadening their musical/cultural horizons. But recently I was reading the "letters to the editor" section of a couple issues and noticed some really innane letters coming in. This is from the October issue, regarding coverage:
I was perplexed to find full pages on Kanye West, Jamie Foxx and, to my shock, madonna (small m intentional, since she's not the real Madonna)....
My feelings about bringing religion into every single sentence that escapes your mouth aside, this is just too much. It's the woman's name. If it were a stage name I could maybe understand the most passive-aggressive attack on a celebrity I've ever seen, but it's the woman's real name. This is like refusing to respect anyone of Hispanic heritage named Jesus, or lower-casing (what an action verb!) the names of two Beatles (John and Paul of course, although Ringo could stand to be taken down a peg as well...yes, I'm still angry that he left "Shining Time Station"). However, as far as misguided actions based on religion go, this one is pretty neutral. Here's another letter from this month's issue:
Let me start by saying that you guys make a good magazine, the features are usually insightful and well-written. But your reviews section needs serious work. Of the 50 or so music reviews, I've heard of perhaps 10. As far as this month's film reviews, I haven't heard of a single one [...] I suggest putting in fewer movies directed by some Russian intellectual living in Malaysia and adding more that people have heard of.
I was unreasonably angry when I read this. Look, if you want reviews you've heard of, buy the vapid and limp publication that calls itself Rolling Stone (I'm pretty sure the real Rolling Stone is relocated in some sort of witness protection program). This isn't specifically to knock RS or its writers, but it is a jab at the awful "music" their writers cover, and the kind of people who only want to read about corporate music that's already getting too much airplay. You don't buy an alternative magazine -- especially one dedicated as much to culture (read: foreign films) as to music -- to read about things you already own. Not only do I not understand someone being subscribed to a magazine that is apparently not satisfying their expectations, but after a few issues, wouldn't you get the hint and perhaps not write in and make an ass of yourself? Godspeed, Johnny Mulligan of McLean, Virginia...one can only hope that you're 14 years old.Meanwhile, James Morrison was on World Cafe a few days ago. Interesting guy...his voice is this perfect and very eerie marriage of Ray Lamontagne and Jonny Lang. Notice I said "interesting guy": this means that his voice is bad, and his songs are also bad. That sentence includes both uses of the word "bad"; look him up and figure out which is which.I'm going to post again tomorrow, and you will all be stunned.
